My heart has recently shattered.

I think...I mean I know I am one of these people who “just gets on with it” I don’t stop to feel the emotions at the time, I look for the positives, I research to learn more about it, I put up a wall and take myself out of the equation. So recently, when I totally flipped my lid, it was a long time coming.

Having a new baby in the house has made me reflect, think and worry more about the future. For those of you who don’t know me I’m the mother of 4 boys, my eldest is 6, my youngest is 6 months and I have 5 year old twins who have autism. I recently got asked “is it a bad autism” haha (it made me chuckle inside). Autism is such a wide spectrum, there are so many different aspects to it, but my twins are right smack bang in the middle of the spectrum. They were diagnosed in May 2017 at 3 years old and after a very long period of time feeling frustrated about not knowing what it is, to get a diagnosis was actually a massive relief for me. But, here’s where my “just get on with it” mode kicked in. I researched, I found support groups, I learned, I shared our journey, but I definitely put up that wall.
Since giving birth in June to baby Spencer, it has just had me filled with questions, with worries about how my beautiful twins will grow into society, how will their lives be and what on earth would they do if something, god forbid, happened to me. So, yes recently I have been down, I have felt broken, shattered, completely overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. A place I never thought I’d be.
Now, I’m not saying this because I want pity or sympathy, I’m writing this out because I want other people to know that sometimes you need to break, to shatter to move on to the next chapter of your life. The past few weeks I have been working on me, to piece back together who I am, not just picking myself up and dusting myself off, but dealing with how I am feeling.
I’m all for being positive and right now I am totally on the right path to being more aligned than ever, but sometimes you need to be negative, don’t feel like every inch of your life has to be rainbows and sunshine, sometimes we need rain or a full on storm, a rant to get it out of our system and move forward. Take time to feel those emotions, address them and go on with them as part of who you are. And that’s okay babe, because you’ve got this.
This year I am dedicating to being more raw and real than ever. I am dedicating it to connecting with my mind, body and soul. To teach others how to be mindful, to share more body positivity and help you learn about your soul vibrations. I am totally down for making 2019 the year of the Self Love Detox! What about you? Join us? Watch us? But you definitely can’t stop us!
With love & gratitude,
Ana Louise Bonasera